Very funny "gym diary" entries

This is hilarious and so true for those of us who have ever been tortured by, er...worked out with a personal trainer! It's the diary entries from a woman who went to the gym after having not gone in a very long time. Enjoy!

Dear Diary…

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air – then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other rubbish too.

THURSDAY: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich (which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours on the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the IDIOT) will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

Build A Gold-Medal Physique

Pound for pound, Olympic gymnasts are perhaps the strongest athletes in the world. But it's not because they pick up a lot of heavy objects. "I don't lift weights at all," says Team USA gymnast David Durante. "I'm either practicing gymnastics or doing body-weight exercises." Which just goes to show that you don't need high-tech training equipment to be strong and muscular. The recommended workout plan from this article will let you train your muscles the way a gymnast does but without having to be a world-class athlete. By combining the classic body-weight exercises (you'll add resistance to some) and cutting-edge training techniques found in this workout, you'll build shirt-splitting muscle, real-world strength, and a more athletic-looking body. And you won't have to spend hours at the gym—you'll be in and out in under 40 minutes. Click HERE for the full workout plan.

Avoid brain drain with memory-boosting foods

Compelling research indicates that certain foods and nutrients can help enhance your memory. Read the facts on fish, berries, leafy greens and coffee — and be sure you remember to incorporate them into your diet. Click HERE for the full story.

Quod: Do certain foods make you feel more focused/sharp? Are there foods that bring you down?

I've run 1000 kilometers (621.3 miles)

I hit the 1000 Kilometers milestone! Next stop: 1000 miles!

11 Best Foods You Aren't Eating

In the NY Times, the list of the 11 best foods you aren't eating.

I actually eat about half of these, which is good, and will be adding some of the others (frozen blueberries can replace the frozen raspberries I mix in my oatmeal--add a few walnuts & it's yummy & filling)

Check them out here

The New Rules of Strength

To become bigger, you must first become stronger and to do that you must embrace "Progressive overload." Progressive Overload means spending more time in your discomfort zone. One expert says, "It's the most basic of all strength-training principles, but it's the one people understand least. The human body is amazing. The more work you do, the more you will be capable of doing over time. It's not enough to just lift a weight, you need to explode with it — that is, raise it as fast as you can while still retaining control. This process is also known as speed-strength conditioning, and it has great influence on power, endurance, and metabolism. To read more, Click HERE.

Flat-belly summer foods

Click on the title to go to an article on foods that are supposed to make you feel full fast....

Who is organized enough to make sure that he/she eats the suggested "half cup" of these foods everyday??!! After reading the article I felt overwhelmed and I know that after a while I could get tired of eating these foods. ..but they do offer "alternatives" that could provide some variety... Why don't I ever get tired of eating french fries, or vanilla milkshakes, or fried chicken???

Drinks that are not so good for you

OK, now there is a list of things we shouldn't drink because they have too much sugar or too many calories...click the link for the title to go to the whole story and list of drinks at Men's Health...but also click on the link below of the intro at yahoo. Note the Baskin Robbin’s Large Heath Bar Shake (32 oz):

2,310 calories
266 g sugar
108 g fat (64 g saturated)

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/5027/americas-unhealthiest-drinks-exposed/

I don't know how accurate the specs are for the Health Bar Shake..but WOW I would never have guessed a shake could be over 2,000 calories...

Video of me after the race

I ran my first 5k today!

Hey all, I ran my very first 5k today and LOVED it! It was a gorgeous day today, not a cloud in the sky, bright and sunny, just a light breeze and 67 degrees. The race was run alongside the Mystic River and the scenery was quite nice. My time was 24'30", which isn't great and much slower than my best 5k (19'59") but I'm happy with how I did and proud that I came in 21st overall (out of 93 runners) and fifth for my age group (40-49)! Extra special thanks go to my personal photographer, Reg ; ) Thanks for being there today, Shmoopie!

Restaurant Secrets

Why does everything that tastes so good cause such horrible health problems? Click on the title of this post to see the calorie counts for some of your favorite dishes at chain restaurants.

I have officially entered two races!

Hey all, I just thought I'd share with you my decision to (finally) enter some running races. I promised myself that I was going to run at least one race in 2008 so by the end of May I will have kept my promise! : ) The first race is on May 18th in Somerville. It's the "12th Annual Mystic River Herring Run & Paddle" and it's just a 5K. The second run is on June 19th in Cambridge. It's the "Reggae Ramble & Carribean Music Festival" run and this one is 4.2 miles (or roughly 7K). If anyone's interested in either race, just click on the pictures for more information. Wish me luck!

Great Web site for gays and lesbians into sports

Hey all you sports fans, whether you love to play sports or even if you're just an "athletic supporter," there's a cool site I happened upon the other day that at least two of us (me and Pam) will like. It's called "Out Sports" and it has a page just for gays and another just for lesbians. Click HERE for the gay site and click HERE for the lesbian site.

QuoD: Do YOU like sports? Why? Why not?

Soothing Hunger's Savage Beast: Moments of weakness call for smart snacking and thinking. Six strategies to put hunger in its place.

Feeling ravenous can undermine a sensible diet in at least two ways. First, it can make you eat when you don't need any food—sometimes the feeling is the product of a bored or worried mind rather than an actual indication of hunger. Second, it's real enough to send you into an eating frenzy at your next meal. By adopting a few smart strategies, you can make it through those moments of weakness—or prevent them from happening in the first place. Click HERE for the full story.

QuoD: What do YOU do to sooth your hunger's savage beast?

I did it!

OK, so in an earlier comment, I've talked about Lake Merritt, here in lovely Oakland. It's about 3.3 miles in diameter, and there are always people out there running, walking and so on (there are also a lot of geese that poop all over the place, but that's another story all together).

Anyway, I've been talking about running it--all the way around--for several months. I get into spurts, and have done 2/3 of it at most in the past, but today, I RAN THE WHOLE THING!

I wanted to do it before New Years, but I got it done before tax day, so I'm calling it a success.

How'd I get there? Well, Leona and I have been running up in the hills (there's a nice path through the Redwoods about 10 min from our house), and I got to about a 30 minute run up there this week. I figured if I could do 30 min of up and down hills, dodging tree branches and rocks, I could do the (relatively flat) lake, dodging goose poop. Just had to brag... xoxo